I had to change plans and live in my van
Down by the river where they talk through cans
Proud nephew of Uncle Sam
Feet off the carpet, walk on your hands
It's the beards that the women enjoy
Best friends lookin' like the Oakridge boys
So predisposed to make noise
Southern by birth, rednecks by choice
Killin' our time in backwater
Mr. Mailbox meet Louisville slugger
Following my strut like sheep to the slaughter
Preacher man said meet me at the altar
But all of my friends have gone fishin'
With their six packs and their disco biscuits
Listening to Sisqo's big hits
Church quiet like a gitmo Christmas
It takes all kinds in the business
The seraph and the sheriff and the victim
And despite all your Peter Pan wishes
It takes a criminal to know what the gift is
(Yeah, see what you're dealing with? It's Colquin, Georgia's finest!)

Move, get out the way
Dirty south representin' all day
If you're gonna spend more than you make
Baby, just send a blank check my way
I said move, step off the porch
Five mics and a knife in the source
See, mama didn't raise no quitter
I'm just livin' in a van down by the river

I'm on some two thumbs up, Ebert and Roeper
Smoke's so thick like Cheech hit the toaster
Heats in the holster
Heath's on the poster
Reach for the Folger's drink with no coasters
You sit sulking in a Kevlar vest
Sweatin' bullets over the paternity test
Maury Povich constantly blows this
Out of proportion, out of my Porsches
I bring the force, it's freakin' gorgeous
Eatin' gorp, it's important, freakin' imported
Heat seek and destroy ya, to think I'll avoid ya
Probably best if you just let me keep thinking for ya
It's the ego the women despise
I knew this hubris would be my demise
Steady muching on the humbling pie
But still too proud to admit you were right
(Jesus give me the strength of a bear)

Like Louis Armstrong played the trumpet
I'll hit that bo...edit button or something
No man is an island dog
But I'm king of the one I'm residing on

Produced by Heath McNease and Red Umbrella